No Words…

No words” has such a strong meaning on multiple levels. Beauty, disaster, sadness, tragedy, nature, death… can cause us to have no words. Grief is also one of those. Until someone loses someone close to them, you can not describe it. Of course to each person it is going to be different but in a nutshell…. there are no words, really.

I think so far these past two weeks have been the hardest yet. Many times this week I really wanted to call dad. He always knew just the right words to say. Thank God for saved voicemails because I have listened to them a lot lately. I am sure its a parent thing but he could always sense when something was wrong. I dont know how many nights he would call to check in and just let me talk away. He always told me he didnt mind because he just wanted to hear my voice.

A close friend of mine is going through her first real grief journey. She lost someone close to her and its been hard. I am sad that I have gone through this more than once, but so glad that I am able to help her during this time. What is someone supposed to say to another person that has lost someone close to the them? Guess what? There are no words, and sometimes no words are ok. Its the support thats the biggest thing. You listen. If you feel like something needs to be sad, you can tell them its going to be ok. “You are strong and you will get through this” “I am here for you, day or night.” Just have an open heart and please PLEASE know that this is not something they are going to “get over” in like a week or so. Depending on the situation it can take months or even years. So please, give them time. Put yourself in their shoes for a moment.

On Wednesday afternoon, while I was playing with my son, I heard a weird thud outside. Of course I panicked. I immediately turned into a ninja and ran to the windows to see…. and nothing. I darted to the peep hole and also checked our security camera. Surprise! There was a package on the front porch. Weird….We often order from Amazon but I didn’t recall ordering this time around, and it wasn’t time for our every-3-month-delivery. So, I opened the door and there was an envelope from UPS.

I put it to the side and tried putting my son down for a nap (FAIL). As he was resting in his room, I opened it up. It was the final documents of dads that meant everything was finished. I began to cry. I was so relieved and heartbroken at the same time. Although there are still a few bills that need to be handled (still waiting on one big bill…I wish they would get it together) but overall, it is done. Dads passing, my childhood home, a chapter of my life was finished.

For about 30 minutes, everything around me stopped. I continued to cry and stare at the paperwork. Afterwards, all chaos came back: husband came home, son was screaming (because he needed the nap he didnt take) and our dog wanted to play. We quickly ate dinner and rushed to church for our midweek prayer service.

Wednesday nights are one of my favorite nights at the church. There are so many feels and just amazingness that happens on those nights. It’s so great! We don’t have child care at this point on Wednesday nights so Nathan and I take turns playing with Linden while the other one gets some alone time to worship and pray. When it was my turn, I walked into the dark sanctuary and found a some what secluded spot. I sat and listened to the music and our pastor as she began to tell us what God placed on her heart. I just sat there and cried. I didnt pray, I didnt worship, and didnt talk. I couldnt do anything but cry. This wasnt out of anger or spite, for once in my life my mind was literally blank. Which is so rare for me.

I felt so guilty and didnt know what I should do or say. Then a good friend reminded me of Psalm 139. The whole chapter talks about how God knows us more than we know us. Sometimes when there are no words, that is ok! God knows our hearts, he knows our words and he understands. He understands our words and our hearts. In dads passing, my heart is so pained and hurt but I still love God; and he knows that.

Even through the hard times, I am still in awe of what God has done for me. I am thankful for everything that I have, those he has brought into my life and I am so thankful that I get to have eternal life with Jesus, mom and dad in heaven. I am not perfect (nor will I ever be), I am human and I make mistakes but all aside God still loves me and you.

Love is such an important and amazing thing. Without it this world would be sad and full of hate, which I know we have sadly seen a lot of lately. Without it a lot of things wouldnt happen in life. If we are being honest here, there wouldnt be babies and children in the world. On the other hand too though, without hard times, we wouldn’t appreciate the good times. Just remember, if you trust God that he will take care of you and never leave you, those bad times will turn into good. He wants to bless us, we just have to trust him with all our heart. You can’t get flowers without a rain storm.

When there are no words…. love the moment, love the person, love yourself, love God.