Forever in my heart

It has been a little over two months since dad passed. The past two months have been filled with many emotions. I didn’t realize how much was involved in finishing things up after someone passes. When Mom passed, of course Dad took care of everything so I didn’t think much about it. We are still finalizing bills and the estate. Such as life, we did come across obstacles that slowed things down a bit but its slowly coming together.

Being an adult is just the worst sometimes. Dad’s house and property had to be auctioned off for many reasons. It just made the most sense. The day before the auction, my husband and I went to say our final goodbyes. I was fine about the whole thing until I pulled into the drive way and saw everything laid out on the lawn for the sale. Everything of dads, moms, mine and my sisters were laid out. Like an arrow to my heart. I sat in the car for about 20 minutes ugly girl crying and couldn’t stop. My husband asked me what I wanted to do (in regards to getting out and looking around and/or taking a picture). I just sat there. What I wanted to do was spend one last day with dad there. I wanted to sit on the front porch in the swing, sipping iced tea and talking about life. I wanted to watch him play with my son on the brand new back deck that he just finished. My heart aches so much.

I lived in that house from the age of five to about seventeen. So many memories were made in that house. From hanging up Christmas lights every year in the freezing cold, fourth of Julys with LOTS of “cannons”, to mini motorcycle rides through the yard. Dad worked so hard on that house making it into a home. I remember helping build the fireplace and putting on the roof at 7 or 8 years old (yes you heard that right haha mom HATED me being up there). I was such a daddy’s girl and I am not even a bit sorry (ok sorry mom!). Dad, Mom, and that house will forever be my home and forever in my heart. 

There are days where this still feels as though its a dream and other days it feels like it happened yesterday. I am so beyond thankful for all the trips to and from Nevada (even though at the time they seemed rough and long) to visit and spend time with dad. Even though I am sad, I can’t help but be so happy that I had the time that I had with him. I am thankful he met my son and spent almost 3 years with him. Lately my son will sit in his bed and play with this toy dad had gotten him and just laugh! I am not sure if he’s just tired, or if “papa” is making him laugh (I dont know if I believe it or not but it makes my heart full).

I will not let myself get wrapped up in my sadness and tears. I know Dad would be so upset if I did. He would want us to live and have fun. Take vacations, make memories and most of all love. When a memory pops up or I smell his cologne, I will stop and take in the moment and then carry on. I will sit on the swing on a cool fall evening, sip some tea while listening to the birds and think of you. Now if only I could get a motorcycle and take a trip for dad 😉

Always on my mind, Forever in my heart. <3